1/30/23 at 2:34PM [NY]

i’m here again

eyes glazed over a cup of mediocre coffee

free, next to the assortment of teas
(stay AWAKE, feel ZEN)

i keep opening up my texts, 1 unread badge leading to nowhere

i think i’ve read them all? over and over again?

i have convinced myself i’ve been feeling the effects of PMS

for three weeks, 

though i’m sure that’s not how menstrual cycles work

i have been working, i think?

sending emails and taking calls

reassuring multiple parties that everything is handled

that it’s all under control

i’d love to hire someone like me

to do that for me

but i learned these techniques and strategies 

by being scolded for being realistic 

for telling the truth

and being reasonably frustrated

part of my job is to pretend everything is okay

when it isn’t

this job is like that

and my other job is in a lot of ways

also like that

i’ve never liked working 

even if i’m quite good at it

my old boss called me a workhorse 

used to say i “knew where everything was buried”

i don’t want to keep track of skeletons

i want to bloom incessantly 

even when the world is wilting

i’m sick of desire

i don’t want to want anything 

i want to breathe in something soft

sh h

2/21/22

i’m not really sure what i was looking for from it

if there was something, stinging 

but it felt childish

and pure

i’ve done this before, of course

but maybe this is actually quite new

imagine.

not you, but me?

long kept and mostly quiet

90 minutes never felt so short

i am paranoid you know?

seems you are too

not much more to say about that then,

for all the same reasons.

i fantasized about some things

it’s become a bit confusing

—

i remember one time

pining a bit

convinced i was simply convinced

turns out i was right, found out years later

so i wonder, right?

had a friend once

some days it feels like i’ll never write again

that prickly sensation on the left side of my skull

keep wondering if i can break into another mind

it hasn’t been easy, i have to offer something up

every time

and i’ll do it gladly

even after self-reflection in the trick mirror i’ve created with my own ears and eyes

i am never asking for advice

and if you actually know what i need, 

it’s a way out of this tongue

through a pulsating body

maybe

2/16/21

i fell over on the terrace

and couldn’t tell if i’d slipped

or if i’d passed out

and the thought scared me,

the same way it did when emptiness found its way into my bones after seeing black at the doctor’s office

they just needed some blood

to figure out why i’d been experiencing stomach pain for months

so constant, the aches became dull over time

i figured, “this is maybe just how it feels to be alive now”

which brings me back to sunday night

it was valentine’s day

and i smoked myself into the other plane again for the first time in years

i was underwater, imagining - well, i’m not sure now

“i just need to wake up,” i told myself

after specifically doing everything in my power to slide back into the warmth of a dangerously tall high

i felt scared on the terrace, what if i fell over?

i knew it wasn’t possible, so i leaned into the railing 

i swear i closed my eyes for just a second

and then woke up to what felt like an infinite tumble

i was suddenly a toddler at laramee green, stumbling down the stairs with my dog

for an eternity 

and my eyes opened to wet snow, my body on its side

i couldn’t remember if i’d hit my head

and the high was blurring the reality of my bodily sensations

i’d gotten what i’d wanted

a brief touch base with the faceless solitude before the collapse

i can count on one hand the times that i’ve been there

standing on the neon light, that separates the waking hours from the endless night

the first time, watching stars burn like LEDs

the second time, seeing faces where they shouldn’t be

the third time, seeing my insides pixelate

inhaling air like wool, suffocated but warm

i miss it every time, until i’m back in its depths

this is maybe just how it feels to be alive now

diamonds are born from pressure

12/17/18

these things can get heavy

weighing you down

and in the colder months,

your shoulders tense and neck stiff

all that force exerting on you

the pressure to stay exactly as you are

for fear the slightest move might provoke an avalanche

clarity is hard to come by

but somehow, in my search for it, i’ve discovered some of its favorite hang outs

it roams around cold city streets, posting up by small coffee shops, swirling in the glossy foam of a cortado

sometimes you can find it right after the sun sets in droplets of water on a window

the same drops that seem to flip the world around you upside-down

i have found it buried in books about the red sands of mars and loneliness

and i’ve bumped into it in the glowing haze of a good cup of wine

i was excited about the move because i knew it would stoke more movement

like water rippling, the digital shard wave i saw years ago as the world spun around me

a moment of clarity!, but understandably brief

and so now as i casually pass by clarity with each taking of the air,

our meetings feel substantial, our interactions feel less like a dream state

and i am so thankful

because i know we will lose touch again one day

but for now, we are closer than ever

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